How Me and Lois Manipulated 600 Pounds of Human Flesh
Losing weight was never a problem for me once I made up my mind. Making up my mind was the problem.
While the former Lois Jean Callaway and I planned our current diet, we tried to estimate the total number of pounds we had lost dieting. It must be close to three hundred pounds. Add another three hundred that we regained and you can readily see that over our dieting life, we have manipulated six hundred pounds of human flesh. Four medium sized men!
Although I have years of experience at dieting, I have spent most of my life twenty-five pounds overweight. I want to give you some rules that were given to me. I have followed these rules without much success. There greatest value is that you can eat very well while failing at your diet.
1. If I eat something and Lois doesn't see me eat it, it has no calories.
2. Things licked off of spoons and knives contain no calories. If you are fixing a peanut butter sandwich for a child, or ice cream when preparing a sundae, lick away.
3. Broken cookie pieces contain no calories. It has something to do with the breaking process, which permits calorie leakage.
4. Entertainment foods are not fattening. Such as food you eat at the movie. They are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel such as Milk Duds, Buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.
5. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
6. Food used for medical purposes never count. Foods like hot chocolate, buttered toast, bourbon and Sara Lee Cheesecake. (Don't ask!)
7. I drink a diet soda with a candy bar; the diet soda cancels out the calories in the candy bar.
It is absolutely remarkable the way my eating habits rule my life. I have my "skinny" clothes at one end of the closet, the "in-between" clothes at the other. The "fat" clothes spend most of their time in the middle.
The "skinny" pants seem to always have the pockets gaping open. That is from wearing them to far into the "fat" cycle and stretching them out of shape. Most of my "skinny" and "in-between" pants have those slides hooked to elastic and expand as I do. A size 42 fits all the way up to 46 before they begin to hurt. That allows me to slide into the fat cycle without having to buy larger clothes. Breaking down and buying larger clothes is so depressing.
It is also depressing watching TV without my usual Oreo cookies and milk ... also, my Rocky Road ice cream ... and my buttered popcorn ... my strawberry shortcake...my coca-cola crammed full of Red Skin Peanuts (sigh)
Life's a bitch. You know?
While the former Lois Jean Callaway and I planned our current diet, we tried to estimate the total number of pounds we had lost dieting. It must be close to three hundred pounds. Add another three hundred that we regained and you can readily see that over our dieting life, we have manipulated six hundred pounds of human flesh. Four medium sized men!
Although I have years of experience at dieting, I have spent most of my life twenty-five pounds overweight. I want to give you some rules that were given to me. I have followed these rules without much success. There greatest value is that you can eat very well while failing at your diet.
1. If I eat something and Lois doesn't see me eat it, it has no calories.
2. Things licked off of spoons and knives contain no calories. If you are fixing a peanut butter sandwich for a child, or ice cream when preparing a sundae, lick away.
3. Broken cookie pieces contain no calories. It has something to do with the breaking process, which permits calorie leakage.
4. Entertainment foods are not fattening. Such as food you eat at the movie. They are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel such as Milk Duds, Buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.
5. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
6. Food used for medical purposes never count. Foods like hot chocolate, buttered toast, bourbon and Sara Lee Cheesecake. (Don't ask!)
7. I drink a diet soda with a candy bar; the diet soda cancels out the calories in the candy bar.
It is absolutely remarkable the way my eating habits rule my life. I have my "skinny" clothes at one end of the closet, the "in-between" clothes at the other. The "fat" clothes spend most of their time in the middle.
The "skinny" pants seem to always have the pockets gaping open. That is from wearing them to far into the "fat" cycle and stretching them out of shape. Most of my "skinny" and "in-between" pants have those slides hooked to elastic and expand as I do. A size 42 fits all the way up to 46 before they begin to hurt. That allows me to slide into the fat cycle without having to buy larger clothes. Breaking down and buying larger clothes is so depressing.
It is also depressing watching TV without my usual Oreo cookies and milk ... also, my Rocky Road ice cream ... and my buttered popcorn ... my strawberry shortcake...my coca-cola crammed full of Red Skin Peanuts (sigh)
Life's a bitch. You know?
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