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Colonoscopy: The Most Important Medical Protective Procedure Ever!
Easy...Safe. |
If you have' not been there yet this pretty much tells it like
it is.
Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal
... I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy
showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears
to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through
Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in
a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully,
but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was
shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR
BEHIND!' I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a
prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box
large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in
detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it
to fall into the hands of America 's enemies. I spent the next
several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the
day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance
with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I
had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less
flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two
packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill
it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric
system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the
whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and
here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal
cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a
great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery
bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you
may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear
laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever
seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep
experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish
thecommode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much
confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate
everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you
have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I
can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating
food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous.
Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been
experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was
thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a
friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I
understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said.
Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I
went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put
on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the
kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than
when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left
hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and
I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put
vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't
thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got
yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were
staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice
but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,
where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did
not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around
there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me
roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking
something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in
the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba.
I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing
during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Qu een' has to be the
least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from
somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the
moment I had been dreading for more than decade.
If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell
you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea.
Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing
Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine ...'.. and the next moment,
I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt
excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was
all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have
never been prouder of an internal organ. |
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